Agony in a time of joy

I smile and I cry,

I’m nervous yet excited

I’m in pain yet happy

Why do I suffer my soul so

I crave love, experience it, yet repel it

All under the illusion that it is not befitting of me

Meanwhile I am alone and lonely

In the quiet of the night

All I want to do is shut my eyes so tight, and sleep through the night

A dreamless sleep for my dreams scare me

They make me confront my fears

Which I am afraid to confront

For I am afraid of change

This constant fear has led to my constant complaints, my fears and even illness

This fear has crippled my soul, it feels enclosed,

for it cannot dream anymore, afraid to express itself

Afraid of hurting those around, afraid of losing, afraid, just afraid almost for no reason at all

In this crippling fear, the soul dies even further

In my happiest moments when I am singing, reading a good book, watching a good movie, travelling, painting, playing with a baby, watching a sunset, loving and sharing love

My soul if free, asking for more, awakened and resonating with the happy vibration that is life

My soul craves these emotions and feels bottled and confined by the fear that has imprisoned me

How I wish that that bliss was my everyday life

With all the pain gone

Someday it will be

So at peace with my life, my work, my friends, my being

So gentle with myself

For only then can the creativity in me be exposed

When I am most relaxed and at peace

It shall be.

For happiness is me and I am happiness